I'm having such a hard time navigating my new world. I don't know why.... so much has happened in the past few weeks though. Health scares with the children being my main concern.
Maybe I'm finally getting old, but I catch myself reflecting on the past. I even dream about it, vivid, realistic dreams. Dreams where I am there, where I can smell the scents of my childhood. Wood smoke, honeysuckles, and sunshine. Yes, sunshine has a smell when you are a child.
In my dreams I talk to people who are no longer with us. I play again with my grandfather, sit at my grandmothers feet as she watches her daily "soaps". I eat hard candy and I smile, and I laugh.
I really miss that. I miss those days of no worries. I miss playing outside until dusk, then going in to watch my favorite television show with my sister. I miss the friends I had, I miss the comfort of feeling completely safe, of knowing that no one would dare harm me, as I lay in my shared bed, and played silly games with my sister. I miss feeling that people are good, that the world is actually a good place, where super-heroes are real, and princes exist.
My grandfather's have been dead for years. Both of my grandmothers passed away a few years ago. I have moments when I miss them, I long for them so bad, it is like a knife to my chest. I don't know what brings on these moments, but I still have them.
I absolutely believe in heaven. I believe that heaven for me will be my childhood. On my grandfathers lap, eating watermelon, as he listens to Elvis, and sings to me. Where I am the only girl in the world that matters, and everyone loves me.
In heaven I will run through the grass, and roll down the hill, and I will truly laugh again, I'll finally be happy again. Everyone will be healthy, my babies will be there, I'll play with them in the creek, and my grandparents will be so thrilled with his great-grandchildren.
I see heaven as one long summer day. Everyone I love will be there, and there will be no hate, no hurt, and no reason to cry!
That is my vision of heaven.