Saturday, January 19, 2013

Creative writing prompt...

I am already slacking on my blog. So I decided to use blog prompts to try to get the creativity flowing again, I love these things. I decided to do a creative writing prompt from duolit

“A knock on the door in the middle of the night never means good news…”

.....she had discovered that the hard way. At first she thought she was dreaming, but the knocking became louder, pulling her out of her drug induced sleep. She craved sleep so much lately, but couldn't sleep without her little pill. She crawled out from under the covers, reaching groggily around in the dark for her robe. The clock said 3 a.m.  
Her first thought was of her ageing mother, maybe something happened, then her thoughts ran to her teen daughter, but she was home by now, right? As she stumbled down the hall she peeked into her daughters room, relieved to see her slumbering form, hand hanging off the bed, resting on a picture that had been knocked onto the floor. She didn't have to look to know whose picture it was. 
The knocking persisted. "I'm coming" she called as she made her way carefully down the stairs in the dark.  She opened the door and peered out into the wet, and dreary night.  He stood there, he hadn't changed at all, his coat collar pulled up around his ears, as if he could block the rain, as if he needed to. 
She gasped, "you shouldn't be here" she said.  "I had to see you" he replied, reaching out as if to touch her hair, his hand paused in front of her face, knowing it was useless.  "I believe I am dreaming" she said, as the tears started streaming down her face. He didn't reply, just watched her crying with a sad expression on his face, as if he longed to comfort her.  "I'm sorry" he said quietly, "I wish it had never happened".  He stepped back from the door, and began walking. She watched him until he faded from her sight, disappearing in the fog.  
Wiping her tears she pulled the door closed,  and made her way back up the stairs, the clock said that only minutes had passed, it felt like hours.  She slipped silently into her daughters room, softly moving her daughters hand she picked up the picture of him, standing proudly in his uniform, smiling as if he would live forever. She quietly placed the picture back on their daughters night stand, and whispered, "I miss you so much, I wish it had never happened either". Then she made her way back to her lonely bed, to try to sleep, and dream of better times. 


Sunday, January 6, 2013

To date or not to date?

Being single again is difficult. It is hard to know how to handle certain situations. One big question that has been on my mind is the dating question. I keep telling myself that it is okay to wait, it is okay to be single and work on me, just concentrate on my boys. I know that is the sensible thing to do. But.....then I think, what can going on a date hurt? After all, I am 36 years old, and not getting younger. 

So, I'll admit it, I joined a dating website. It is hard to meet people when you are a single mom, the only places that usually allow you to meet single people are bars, and I don't see that there are a lot of good prospects there. 

So, I made me a profile on a popular dating site. Then the messages started coming, and I realized that online dating can be really time consuming. People want to chat, and they want to chat right now. Not only do they want to chat, they want to text, they want to call, they actually want to go out! Imagine that! Not that I mind any of that, but it is really hard to weed through the frogs and find any possible "princes".  Men who I actually want to move on to the next step with, a phone call. 

I am not totally new to this online dating thing. I tried it several years back. I did go on a few dates, mostly frogs! I did meet a couple of really nice guys, one who I even liked a lot. Sadly he was not prince material. 

 So, what did I do? I got tired of the online thing, had a girls night with a couple of friends, and met the prince frog that I eventually married. Yes, we had two beautiful children, and I am thankful for that, but the less said about "him" the better! 

It would be so nice to just go to the grocery store and pick up the man of your dreams in aisle number 6.  That isn't likely, so we must trudge along, kissing frogs, and praying that they turn into princes! 

So who is the man of my dreams? Well it is really pretty simple. I want a man who actually acts like a man. A man who is strong (but doesn't mind showing his emotions), and  who is witty. Who doesn't mind laughing and being silly, but who knows when to be serious. A man who opens doors, and pulls out chairs. A man who makes me feel safe, a man who likes to kiss and cuddle. That shouldn't be to hard to find...yeah right! 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

What a headache!

I spent most of my day in the local ER with a horrible headache. I had to get a CT scan...I can't imagine what the bill will be, but I got to lie in a dark, and quiet room, with the door shut, and a nice nurse gave me something for the pain. The bill is going to be horrible! Did I mention that I got to lie all day in a dark and quiet room....well maybe the bill will be worth it! 

I am okay, I wasn't having a stroke (the doctors first concern), or an aneurysm (my concern). Probably a migraine, which just happens to involve my neck and my face. Strange, but not surprising, nothing surprises me any more! Personally I think it is stress from my day in court yesterday, and probably lack of sleep has a little something to do with it as well! 

Well friends, my pain medication is wearing off, so I think this is all I will write tonight. Hopefully I will be able to post something more interesting tomorrow! 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Going to court

So today was absolutely insane. It started out as a typical day, getting up after a few hours of sleep tossing and turning. Getting my smiling whining children out of bed, and onto the bus. Making what seems likes hundreds of phone calls for appointments. Dental, vision, and orthopedic. Then I had to go to court. I honestly didn't know if I would blog about this or not, but I promised I would blog about my life, and today court was my life.

I have decided what I want to do when I grow up, or when I finish up my next degree, whatever comes first. (Sorry for the change of subject, blame it on my ADD, but it all comes back to my day in court)....

 I plan on doing some sort of degree in Social Work, or Human Services. I would really like to work with victims of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is something no one really wants to talk about, especially me, but someone has to talk about it. So let me bore you with some statistics from Domestic Violence

  • Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
  • Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women
  • Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually
  • Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.
  • Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends
You know this sort of thing can be so subtle.  First it is someone trying to control you, closing the joint accounts, saying you are not good with money, then refusing to give you money for groceries or bills. Then it is the anger...tantrums over the silliest things, throwing things, holes in the wall, things get broke. Then it escalates to worse things...until you are finally in a situation where you think this is it, I'm going to either be really hurt, or I could actually become a statistic.

Wow can't believe I wrote that, but I did. Maybe it will help someone. It is really hard to stand up and face people who make you feel like you are not a victim. Who make you feel like you weren't "injured" enough, or it was your fault, you did something wrong.

Well, no one deserves to be treated that way. No one knows what really goes on in your life, in your house. No one knows about the times you have picked up the phone to call the police, and you hang up because you don't want to deal with the questions and the strange looks. You don't want the neighbors to think you are "that woman" the one who fights with her husband and who has to call the police over because "something just isn't right in that house",  and "she is probably making it up anyway, he is such a nice guy."  Or maybe you pick up the phone and once again he yanks it out of the wall, and he grabs, and he pushes, and you just don't want to deal with it anymore, you just go on up to your room and close the door, take a pill, go to sleep.

I do hope that eventually you will realize what a dangerous game it is. I hope that you look at your children and see the damage that is slowly being done. I hope you see the fear in their eyes and realize that it isn't worth it. Who cares what anyone thinks, who cares about lawyers, and judges, and law enforcement officers. The truth is...the children are important, your life is important.

It is a hard thing to do, being alone isn't fun, but sometimes it is safer to be alone. I stood in court and told my story. I was cross examined, lies were told, but I wasn't the one who told them, and I almost cried, but I didn't. The truth won today, and for that I am thankful!

So, that is pretty much my story about going to court. It's not everything, because I don't really think random strangers need to know everything, or need to have details.

 This wasn't easy for me to write, knowing a lot of people will see this. They may judge me...but I don't care. Secrets are never secret in small towns and usually they become worse with each telling anyway.

So I wrote it, and I hope it helps someone!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The "regretful" post!

Well today was a rather boring day, I didn't do half of what I was supposed to, but I did get my house clean cleaner. I also had my hair trimmed and enjoyed getting a manicure. Today was a lazy day, but I am glad I took some time for myself, I deserve it, and I have court tomorrow with the ex. 

Since I can't think of anything awesome to write tonight I think I will use a prompt that I got from Creativity Portal. So here I go,  I click a button and my prompt is.......

"I regret....."

Well, that is a good one, here goes! 

  • I regret many things, I regret the fact that I was such a cry-baby in first grade (I really do regret that).

  •  I regret that I didn't pay more attention to that really cute guy my freshman year in high school, the first boy I ever danced with, the first boy I ever ignored because I was more worried about what my friends would think than about what I really wanted to do, the first boy who broke my heart by finally ignoring me and getting another girlfriend, I deserved that.  

  • I regret the times I should have stood up for myself and I didn't.

  •  I regret not studying harder in high school.

  •  I regret not kissing a boy who I had a major crush on when I was 15, the chance presented itself and I was to shy and so was he. I honestly couldn't forget that boy for years. 

  • I regret making some poor decisions my senior year of high school that caused a lot of people a lot of heartache.

  •  I regret not being a better mother to my oldest son, it was hard, I was still very much a child myself.

  •  I regret always thinking that I needed to be in a relationship, wasting my time on the wrong people, and not paying enough attention to the right ones. 

  • I regret that I couldn't do more to save my babies, I saw all the right doctors, did everything they said,  but it was never enough.

  •  I regret the helplessness I felt holding my son in my arms after he was removed from life support, that I felt like I was allowing my child to die.  As I watched him struggle to breath his last breath every thing in me was yelling, stop this, breathe for him, do something. But, all I could do was look in his eyes until there was no life left, and he was gone. I was left with nightmares and the "what ifs". I was left with the thought that I didn't hold him close enough, or kiss him enough, that first and last time I held him. Did he even know who I was?

  • I regret that I am 36 years old and sometimes I still feel as silly as that freshman, worried about what everyone thinks. I am still shy, I still don't always stand up for myself, and sometimes I don't apply myself like I should. I still waste my time on the wrong people (a lot).  I still wonder if I did enough for my son as he died in my arms. I have a lot of regrets. They make me cry.  

  • I regret that my prompt was "I regret".... now I am regretfully depressed!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Introducing myself

Welcome to my new blog! The blog I hope to actually write on a regular basis. As most of you know I already have two blogs about my children, this blog is all mine! I'm not saying that my kids won't make appearances here, because they are a part of my life. I plan on blogging about totally random things. I have never done a blog like this before, it feels like I am reading my diary out loud to the world, but I'm going to give it a try! 

For my first blog post I will tell you a little about myself.  I am a single mother, I have three boys, my seventeen year old, who I will call "the genius gamer", my six year old, who will be called "red rascal", and my four year old, "little warrior". My boys are awesome, they are very unique, smart, and they are all fighters and survivors. If you read my other blogs you know that already! 

I am getting close to 40, which drives me crazy. I love to read, I will read almost anything....almost! I don't watch a lot of television, but did get sucked into the whole "Walking Dead" craze, even though I detest Zombie's! I spend way to much time on Facebook,  not sure why, guess I'm just bored. I drive a lot, to various doctor's appointments for my boys. I hate driving and am so thankful that those appointments are slowing down. I have two boys in heaven, and several babies, who left so early that I never knew their genders. I did get to know Lucas and David, I held them in my arms. David left us at his birth, Lucas was with us for a month. 

My spouse and I are separated. This happened for many different reasons, none that I really feel like going into here. The less said about that, the better! 

I'm getting used to being a single mom. Getting used to doing things I absolutely hate, like hauling off the garbage! I'm getting used to being in this house alone, well alone without a stupid man sitting in the downstairs den, watching sports and ignoring me and the kids. 

I'm trying to date again, though I am not really sure if I am actually ready for that. You would think that a 36 year old woman could go on a date and not face the same drama and games that she faced when she was 17, well, that is proving to be difficult. Maybe I'm really just not ready for that. I may never be ready for that! 

I'm considering going back to school after six years of staying home with my children. I have a degree in Interdisciplinary Studies, which is a fancy way of saying Education. I have decided that I don't want to teach, does that make me a bad person? I have decided to go back for a degree in what I should have done the first time around, Social Work. 

I am planning on going back to work, because after all, one can't live off of air! 

There has been a lot of heartbreak and pain in my life. I am trying to work through that, and get past it. Though some things never actually leave you. 

So, hi, this is me! I will see you next time, I hope I don't bore you to much. Somehow I don't think I will, my life is crazy!